Several years ago, on their 50th anniversary, my 87-year-old
grandfather looked at my 84-year-old grandmother and said, “This right
here, our relationship, this is my greatest accomplishment.”
My grandfather’s words have always remained with me. They were
beautifully romantic, but more importantly, they were delightfully
true. Healthy relationships are accomplishments. They take commitment
and work, and two people who are willing to meet in the middle and put
in the necessary effort.
If you’re in a relationship, intimate or platonic, that could use a little help, the tips below will come in handy…
HATTIE MC-DANIEL AND HUSBAND
1. Let go of old wounds through forgiveness.
Every moment of your life you are either growing or dying – and when
you are physically healthy, it’s a choice, not fate. The art of
maintaining happiness in your life and relationships relies on the fine
balancing act of holding on and letting go. Yes, sometimes people you
trust (including yourself) will hurt you. Being hurt is something you
can’t avoid, but being continuously miserable is always a choice.
Forgiveness is the remedy. You have to let go of what’s behind you
before you can grasp the goodness in front of you.
2. Come clean when you make a mistake.
An honest heart is the beginning of everything that is right with
this world. The most honorable people of all are not those who never
make mistakes, but those who admit to them when they do, and then go on
and do their best to right the wrongs they’ve made. In the end, being
honest might not always win you a lot of
friends and lovers, but it will always keep the right ones in your life.
(Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Stop gossiping and start communicating.
A good rule of thumb: If you can’t say it to their face, you
shouldn’t say it behind their back. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said,
“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small
minds discuss people.” Life is much too short to waste talking about
people, gossiping, and stirring up trouble that has no substance. If
you don’t know, ask. If you don’t agree, say so. If you don’t like it,
speak up. But never judge people behind their back.
4. Give others the space to make their own decisions.
Stop judging others by your own past. Never act, judge, or treat people like you know them better than they know themselves.
They are living a different life than you are.
What might be good for one person may not be good for another. What
might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the
better. Allow the people in your life to make their own mistakes and
their own decisions.
5. Do things that make YOU happy.
If you want to awaken happiness in a relationship, start by living a
life that makes you happy and then radiate your happiness into your
relationship. If you want to eliminate suffering in a relationship,
start by eliminating the dark and negative parts of yourself, and then
radiate your positivity into your relationship. Truly, the greatest
power you have in this world is the power of your own
self-transformation. All the positive change you seek in any
relationship starts with the one in the mirror.
(Read The Four Agreements.)
6. Show your loved ones your kindness in small ways every day.
Aesop once said, “No act of kindness, however small, is ever
wasted.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. Always be kinder than
necessary. You never know what someone is going through. Sometimes you
have to be kind to someone, not because they’re being nice, but because
you are. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a
kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of
caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
7. Say less when less means more.
It takes some courage to stand up and speak; it takes even more
courage to open your mind and listen. Pay attention and be a good
listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble. The people in your
life often need a listening ear more than they need a rambling voice.
And don’t listen with the intent to reply; hear what is being said with
the intent to understand.
You are as beautiful as the love you give, and you are as wise as the silence you leave behind.
8. Let your love and trust overpower your fear.
You never lose by loving; you lose by holding back. No relationship
is impossible until you refuse to give it a chance. Love means giving
someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to. Without this
trust, a relationship cannot survive. You cannot just believe what you
fear from others; you have to believe in the good faith of others. If
you are ever going to have someone trust you, you must feel that you can
trust them too.
9. Accept, don’t expect.
Unconditional acceptance is something we want, but rarely ever give
out. Remember, people never do anything that is out of character. They
may do things that go against your expectations, but what people do
reveals exactly who they are. Never force your expectations on people,
other than the expectation that they will be exactly who they are. Who
they are is not what they say or what you have come to expect, it is who
they reveal themselves to be. Either you accept them as they are, or
you move on without them.
(Read Getting the Love You Want.)
10. Let the wrong ones go.
Know your worth! When you give your time to someone who doesn’t
respect you, you surrender pieces of your heart you will never get
back. All failed relationships hurt, but losing someone who doesn’t
appreciate and respect you is actually a gain, not a loss. Some people
come into your life temporarily simply to teach you something. They
come and they go and they make a difference. It’s perfectly okay that
they’re not in your life anymore. You now have more time to focus on
the relationships that truly matter.
Afterthoughts
Remember, even the healthiest relationships have small flaws. Being
too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship
spells trouble. Accept the fact that there will always be difficulties
present, but you can still focus on the good. Instead of constantly
looking for signs of what’s not working in your relationship, what you
need to do is look for signs of what is, and then use this as a solid
foundation to build upon.
Your turn…
Which of these relationship tips do you sometimes struggle with?
What else would you add to the list? Please leave us a comment below
and share your thoughts.
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